January 3, 2014

Zack Wheeler Is A Redneck

Zack Wheeler, a young pitcher with a lot of promise for a great future here in Queens, is a redneck. An absolute hick. This shouldn't come as a complete surprise, as he hails from Smyrna, Georgia, but it makes you wonder how much he likes coping with New York City. Before you, I will lay the evidence.

Yes, that is basically a monster truck. No way that thing gets more than 9 MPG. Uncivilized bumpkin.

And I bet all you want to do is shoot them, don't you big guy? Those deer have mothers. Fathers. What did they ever do to you?!
Taking in a little wrasslin', Zack? Jeez, I hope you didn't have too many Natty Ices in the parking lot beforehand, hillbilly.
They sell fish at the supermarket, stump jumper.
Actual Eric Church lyrics: "Man I love how Redman tastes, and damn I love my Nascar race."

My advice, folks: if you see Wheeler at the stadium, try not to approach him to quickly. Speak to him slowly, using small words. Ask him if he likes the big buildings, and if he's gotten to ride in a taxi yet. Humor this redneck, because we need him to win some games this year.


  1. Why are you being such a Dick? From everything I've gotten, he's a pretty nice dude, who cares if he didn't grow up near us...?

    1. Lol.. I promise you he's being sarcastic. Kieran is a redneck himself...